I was online only a few days ago only to find out that someone that i had look up upon and respected for several years had just passed away from a heart attack at 27, the first feeling i got was a sick feeling of losing someone followed by the shock and realization that i would never see him again, that all would remain of him would be mere memories. It was pretty obvious that the reason of his death was because of the steroid abuse and addiction he had faced for almost 2 years which i hope he overcame before his death. The only thing he ever wanted was to be the very best in what he did even to the extend where his health was compromised, he gave everything he had to the business he loved never once expecting anything in return simply because he loved it and never believed in giving the second best, it was those qualities in him which truly inspired me beyond words, his life and even his death was truly a testimony to me about giving.
Sometimes i look at myself and i wonder. Am i walking the same road he was on? Maybe not today or tommorrow maybe not even a few years down the road but the reality is we are on the same page we both walk the thin line between life and death. I remember preparing for my competition in may this year the last few days of competition i was putting my body thru hell, the training and the dehydration was taking such a toll on me i knew i was breaking up from the inside both mentally and pyhsically but at that point i remember telling mylself i didnt care even if i died cause i would rather die than to know i didnt give it my best. Of course, i came out of the whole thing quite well but there is no saying that will be the way it is for years to come.I may be steroid free now but the fact is i cant say the same thing for myslef in the future.
One of the last things eddie said before he died was "I'm ashamed of what i did in the past but im not ashamed of what i have done to try and change it" in a way i guess it was a warning to me but i really wonder if he would changed anything in his life should he have been given a second chance, i guess ill never know. Im proud of the fact that he fought and actaully took a stand to eliminate his addiction i may never know if he won that fight before he died but the fact that he was able to acknowledge it and fight it deserves my respect.
Eddie, Where ever you are i just wish you knew how much an impact you had on my life and as for my competition next year, i dedicate it to you and ill be damned if i dont come it at least top 3. R.I.P Eddie.
Here i am writing in my blog, i never thought id have one it just too public and im not exactly someone who likes to share my inner most thoughts to the world as sometimes the consequences can be more than i can take.
I question myslef everyday why im alive almost everynight why go through something filled with worries, trials and dissappointments, to have to go through the pain of fighting my inner demons. Sometimes its out of genuine doubt, sometimes as a reminder and as motivation to go on.
Yet for years one answer stands clear above all else. Im alive to fight, it was my destiny it was what i was made for since i was a boy, to have my back against the wall fighting off everything else that comes my way day by day not even stopping for one second to think if all that it could all be in vain.
But as long as i am still breathing, i have no right to give up no right to throw away the oppurtunity i that have been given to me by others who have made far greater sacrifices, to give up would be to spit in thier faces a total disrespect for thier efforts. So as long as im alive i fight for that chance to prove myself worthy. Here's a little poem:
It is not the critic that counts
Nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
Or where the doer of deeds could have them better
But rather the man who is actually in the arena
Whose fate is marred with dust, sweat, blood and tears
Who no matter how he strives valiantly with all he has
Yet falls and comes short again and yet again
Who truly understand the meaning of true passion and sacrifice
Yet continues to pursue and fight for his cause
Who at the best knows in the final chapter
The true triumph of high achievement,
And who at worst knows, if he fails
At least fails knowing his goal,
So that his place will not lie with the cold and timid souls
Who wandered their life aimlessly
And knew neither of victory or defeat
To bear the storms that life may share;
To walk where only lions dare.
